confusion or contentment?

is it a bad thing when i dont seem to want what every one else my age wants?

life

"i think i am losing it!"

changes

at some point, i have got to admit that things will come to an end. a part of me thrives on routine but yet the other part of me craves changes, new things and new challenges. as the year draws to an end, i wondered how did time fly so fast? yeah, i had a good year. before the year ends, i would have gone to my favourite island in the world 3 times and taken time off to just forget about everything and just enjoy the sea and sun and the company of friends.

ministry wise, i am not sure whats going to happen but i have a feeling God is bringing me elsewhere. not sure where or what but just this feeling that by this time next year, i would not be doing the thing that i am doing now. although, a part of me knows that part of the reason i feel this way has to do with the way i have  changed. i see things differently and where i was once passionate, all i feel now is just some not so warm fuzziness.

work wise, i know that i cant keep this going for much longer. its not that i am losing money or anything but now i am pretty sure that by this time next year, i dont want my business to be where it is now. next year would be the make it or break it year. if things remain the same, its time to move on. i dont know where but part of the excitement is finding out.

" i wanna be a billionaire..." hey, who doesnt?

song of the month:

"I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire"

                     - 'Billionaire' Travie McCoy feat Bruno Mars-

shades of grey

i remember a time when the world exists only in black and white. feelings, decisions and thoughts can be easily compartmentalized into either or. if something is not black, then it is surely white. for a while, i lived in this bubble. lived by it and for it.

then without me even realising how it happened, there are decisions to be made that is neither black nor white. in the past, things that are not white are by default black.

in reality, life comes to us shades of grey. many times, there is no right or wrong thing to say. just the truth. sometimes, there is no right or wrong thing to do, just your best. after all, that is all that is asked of us.

despicable me

finally managed to catch 'despicable me' last night! with names like steve carell and russel brand behind the voices, how can one not watch it?

what can i say but that it did not disappoint. this movie, although a cartoon, is more suited for adults cos i think kids might find it hard to get the jokes.

my favourite characters after the little girl, agnes, would be the minions, who abide by the bad guy, Gru's calling. they speak in little flutters and stutters that are incomprehensible at first but as the movie goes on, you might yourself actually knowing what they say.

'despicable me' is a bag of laughs and i enjoyed it even more than 'toy story 3'. the jokes and story line is way better than the latter, which is understandable since 'toy story' is more for kids.

our oceans

i have fond memories of the beach and the sea as a kid. one of my favorite things to do whenever we go to the beach is to collect sea shells. little did i or the adults around me knew that this very thing actually upsets the whole balance of the ecosystem. at almost any souvenier shop you will find products made of sea shells such. some are not even well made.

in recent years, there has also been a spark of interest in keeping salt water fishes such as the clown fish in homes. i have seen kids asking their parents for 'nemo' as a pet after the disney cartoon finding nemo. ironically, i think that the message the movie 'finding nemo' was trying to convey is that we should not remove ocean creatures from thier natural habitats as it causes a tremendous amount of stress on them.

as i walk pass the shop selling salt water aquariums each time, i cant help but wonder if the seller even know these creatures well enough to care for them. have you ever wondered where they get the supply of these clown fish or other marine fishes from. are they stolen from the oceans by unscrupulous suppliers at almost no cost and selling it a high price for profit? yet, these things keep going on because there is a demand for it.

the current condition of our corals and oceans should be a wake up call to all - young or old to do all that we can to help our oceans.

if you are going for a beach holiday soon, here are some things you can do to help:

1) when snorkelling, do not step on or touch corals.
2) do not bring plastic bags or rubbish into the water.
3) do not collect any seashells, dead or alive.
4) do not buy any souveniers made of seashells. when there is a demand, there will always be a supply.

to do your part in reducing the emission of greenhouse gas which causes global warming you can

1) turn off taps and switch off fan, lights or air-conditioning when not in use
2) avoid using air conditioning or water heaters unneccesarily
3) turn off all electrical appliances when not in use. leaving it on standy mode means it is still consuming power ie phone chargers

if we all do our part, this will help preserve our oceans and environment for future generations.

Redang Trip July 2010

four days and three nights in Redang was just what i needed to recharge. doing nothing all day but snorkel, eat, and lie in the sun or on the hammock was the perfect way to unwind. of course, we stayed in our favorite resort, Redang Kalong Resort. away from the noise and crowds on long beach, this resort is the perfect choice to stay if you just want some peace and quiet to enjoy the sun and sea. located on a private beach, you do not have to jostle with other holiday makers over lying on the hammocks or worry about prying eyes if you want to sunbathe on the beach.

a lot of corals have turned white due to global warming and pollution. was fortunate enough to get some memorable shots though.

spotted this lovely pink coral on our snorkel trip to pulau lima. sad to say, this was the only colourful coral we saw throughout our stay.

the above is a pic of another coral. i had the underwater camera casing with me but the pics were taken by the snorkel guide, mr tim.

mr nemo and his family, together-gether in thier anemone. funny how they are called clown fish but they always seem to be frowning. tim had to dive down and hold his breath to take these pics. "xie xie nie!"

this coral with an unknown yellow fish was actually a pale blue color but it looks a bit dead here cos of the lighting.

tim actually had to chase after this huge school of ikan bilis to take this shot! look at their eyes! there were like a million of them in this huge school and somewhere nearby them (and us) was a baby shark looking for his lunch.

ta-da! here is the....sssshhhharrrkkkk! swim for your lives! heh heh! just kidding. actually, sharks are quite docile compared to the mean looking trigger fish which will attack if you get too near. it looks small cos it was so shy and avoiding us. it was actually around 2 or 3 feet long. later on, we were surprised and a bit scared when it swam near us and was actually about 1 or 2 feet away from my friend and i when she captured this shot. it took us by surprise that my friend only managed to take the below pic with the head cut off. we tried chasing after it for a better shot but alas, it was too shy. it's called a black tipped shark, if i am not mistaken.

this is the resident angel fish at pulau lima that i mentioned in my previous redang entry which seemed to have a love affair with the rope securing the snorkel boat. each time we got too near, it would swim away only to come back and hover.

below is my friend and redang kaki. look at the size of her eyes! open so big!

we need to do all we can to avoid further damage to our oceans. do not step on corals. do not litter. and most of all, DO NOT apply too much sunscreen before you go into the water! the chemical from the sunscreen is very damaging to the sea. seriously, there were a few whose faces were so white from so much sunscreen that they looked like some ugly underwater casper - the not so ocean friendly one.

not sure what this thingy is called but it was pulsating! so eerie and beautiful at the same time.

finally, this is the man behind all those wonderful underwater pics. he is responsible for keeping everyone safe as well as making sure no one does stupid things like climb on slippery rocks or go too near a trigger fish! believe it or not, his original skin colour is fair like mine but after working three years here, he is now too fried! the only place with his original skin colour is where the sun does not shine.

adios pulau redang and redang kalong resort! til we meet again, i shall remember the good times and cherish it forever.

if you are thinking of making pulau redang your next holiday destination, here are some useful sites you can check out.

Redang Kalong Resort
www.redangkalong.com

Redang Island Rendevous
www.redang.org

Virtual Malaysia
http://www.virtualmalaysia.com/destination/Redang%20Island.html

if you are thinking of becoming a diver, redang kalong resort has a fully equipped 5 star PADI dive centre with experienced dive instructors.

my first firelfyz airlines experience

i was hesitant about booking a flight with fireflyz airline at first as i have heard many complains about the frequent delays and cancellations. we flew fireflyz because due to some unknown reason, it seems air asia no longer has afternoon flights departing from kuala terengganu. the fare cost us around RM 120 per person one way cos we booked at the last minute. there is a 20kg baggage allowance included in the fare, plus a drink and snacks on board.

my friend and i flew fireflyz back from kuala terengganu in may. although it was a much smaller plane, the interior was clean and new. plus, the familiar funky smell that is present on all air asia flights was absent. i think that it is the air disinfectant or something that they use. that smell always makes me want to puke.

there were no delays although it was raining heavily in kuala terengganu that day. the two cabin crew serving on board were friendly, curteous and professional. it was a welcome change from having to hear the "...food and drinks for puchase?..." on air asia flights. i got to choose from either apple or orange juice for drinks and a chocolate muffin for snacks.

the journey was pleasant although it was a rainy day and we landed in Subang Airport and the best part is that it is only 10 minutes away from where i live in subang jaya. the journey to lcct to board air asia flights feels even longer and further away each time i fly (which is about once a month).

fireflyz is wholly owned subsidiary of Malaysian Airlines and had been in operation from the year 2007. although it had a shaky start with complains of frequent flight cancellations and delays but i am happy to report that things are much better now. they fly to Penang, Kuala Terengganu, Kerteh, Kota Bharu, Alor Setar, Langkawi and Johor Bahru within Malaysia.they also fly to selected destinations in thailand, indonesia as well as to singapore.

all i can say is that i will definitely fly with fireflyz again very soon and keep up the good work! i will be flying to kuala terengganu again in the middle of july with fireflyz.

after a storm

it is true that all good things come to an end. but i am even more glad that even bad things come to an end too.when bad things happen, it comes like a thunder storm where you cant see anything. and you are standing there in the midst of all that, getting drenched and soaked and blown about by the strong wind wondering where to go for a respite. all you want is a break, a little shelter from the storm but there isnt any. you are tempted to stand under that old oak tree but even there, the danger of getting struck by lighting is even greater.

that's how i feel sometimes. i am not a very optimistic, cheer leader type at the worst of times and i do tend to think of the worst things imaginable. but right now, as the song goes "...i can see clearly now the rain has gone..."

the pain of a betrayal

at a time like this, i cant help but wonder what went wrong. it is true when they say that nothing in life is constant but change.

wherever life brings me, i will remind myself to hold on to this lesson that i should have learnt long ago. to not let myself in so deep that i cant help but feel every inch and morsel of the pain that a betrayal brings. should have known that it was too good to be true. that this friendship, relationship cannot last forever


there is nothing that feels worst than a betrayal. whether it is a partner, friend, parents or your leaders. there is nothing that justifies what you did and i hope all heaven will pay you dearly for it.

to say that i do not hurt would not be true. there is a part of me which seeks an answer to the cause. and yet my gut says that there is no point in explaining.

its not like i havent been here before?!. and yet i hurt. now i can only lament to myself how i have let myself go and fall so deeply. i should look at my scars daily to remind myself that nothing, absolutely nothing so good can last beyond the superficial. when you do not open your heart, you do not get hurt. that is a fact. it might not be a solution but at least it shields me from the pain somewhat.

with just one action, the thousands of words spoken is so quickly undone.

a rope with three cords is not easily broken. but the fact remains that it will surely break if you run a sharp knife through it. i am sure whoever thought of this proverb knew the pain of betrayal.

i can never bring myself to be the betrayer, because deep down, i am just a big ol' softie for all the toughness that i show on the outside.

right now at 3.50PM, somewhere in the universe, i am not ready to forgive and forget. i only want to forget this ever happened and curl up in a corner and lick my battle wounds. therefore, i will not write a conclusion of hope and renewed strength. 

right now, i feel tired and exhausted. i dont even have the strength to be angry anymore. so take your lies and reasons with you and i hope to never see you again.

the question after "so, when are you getting married?"

 photo credit

after attending yet another wedding, i find the one inevitable question people will ask is, "so when are you having a kid?". as if having a baby is easy as grocery shopping or just a matter of swallowing a pill and oops - out comes a baby! after talking to a friend who is married for a little more than a year ago, i found that this happens to her too. she even got recommendations to go to a fertility doctor when she didnt even ask for it! poor thing...

its like when people run out things to say, the topic of "when are you having a baby?" becomes their back-up question. most of them mean well i guess but after what seems like the millionth time i have to answer this question, i cant help but feel frustrated.

i feel like hanging a sign on my neck whenever i go out to explain my apparent 'babyless' state. it would probably say " i am only 27 years old for goodness sake!...and very fertile too! " it is not so much the asking that bugs me but the pity that often accompanies their voice when i say no, we are not pregnant. and if there is one thing that i hate most is to have people pity me.

when that happens, i feel like just giving it back to them there and then but i manage to keep it in. though i am not sure how long more that will be. i might just snap the next time a well meaning pity comes my way. after being married for three years and 'still' not pregnant, people start to assume that i am barren. 

i cannot for the life of me think of any reason for their apparent 'concern'. one person even said "ohhh, you should come to my church la, my pastor pray for so many barren couples and they all get pregnant wan!" *&^%$((&&^%*\ 

i probably should'nt say this, but the people in church are probably the worst offenders.

for the gazillionth time, i am not pregnant does not mean that i am barren! we are just not really trying yet since hubby and i are still young!

 so, whether well meaning or not, please try to put some thought into what you say to avoid getting a foot in your mouth.

cant wait!

cant wait  for sex and the city 2 to hit the cinemas! i absolutely love it!

fashion, love and friendship all rolled into one. what more can i ask for? just what i need after a long day at work. 

the ultimate sexy body?

i remember being really skinny when i was growing up. i never really had any curves and not very tall. i consider myself petite. 

then puberty happened and i developed my curves. my waist is very small and my thighs are quite large, making it a challenge when it comes to buying pants or jeans. it seems to me that all the pants and jeans makers in the world have conspired against women like me to make it so difficult to find a good, reliable pair. usually, if it fits me around the hips and booty, it will be too loose at the waist cos my waist too small. and a pair that fits my waist wouldnt even go up my hips! such is the bane of my body shape. 

this has made me wonder what the world considers to be the ideal body today. looking back, there was a time when Marilyn Monroe's curvaceous body was considered sexy. she had the boobs, hips and the butt that i suspect would not fit into many of today's fashionwear. 

how did we get from this to the skinny models who grace the catwalk these days. granted, the fashion industry  is slowly changing in its demand for overly skinny models but even so, the majority still favour tall, lanky women. 

i think that this, along with other factors, have caused girls and women these days develop an unhealthy relationship with their own bodies. slimming centers, pills, creams, diets, even plastic surgery are doing a booming business because of this.

there is nothing wrong with wanting to be slim but we as women should realise just when it starts becoming unhealthy. 

i have now come to accept my body for its imperfections and to love the good bits! i have never really been very comfortable in my own skin as a teenager and i realize that i am growing to be more comfortable with my body. in a way, i am glad for my curves and i will learn to embrace it. my motto now is to be fit and healthy, rather than to be skinny and lose weight. i'd rather focus on losing body fat and building muscles than to be skinny. instead of looking at paris hilton or kate moss, i'd rather have Jennifer Lopez's body anyday.

redang kalong resort - may 2010

every time i see a picture of clear blue water and white sands, i think of pulau redang. this is my second trip to this beautiful island.

my first was two years ago and my friends and i stayed in redang beach resort over in pantai pasir panjang or long beach.

this time, my friend and i stayed in redang kalong resort which is located telok kalong. upon arrival, it hit me how quiet the beach seemed.  worried that we would be bored out of our skulls, i was  immediately glad i had my super thick marian keys novel. since two of the three resorts on this beach closed down, redang kalong has a private beach.

upon check-in, i found the rooms surprisingly clean and my one criteria for a clean toilet was fulfilled. the pillows are so fluffy-i think they are new! i hate pillows that are flatter than my stomach.

the food was okay, nothing spectacular but good enough for me, a picky eater. service was good and most of the staff are pretty friendly and our problems with the safe in our room was quickly attended to.

the snorkeling trips did not disappoint. although i was a bit apprehensive at first, since i cant swim, but i found it hard not to enjoy myself since i was surrounded by a million colourful fishes and corals.

if you are expecting the staff or beach boy to take you around the sea and not have to swim on your own, you will be disappointed as there was only one beach boy in the water with the group at all times. so, we were pretty much left on our own the whole time though he did show us the giant garoupa at the marine park and he did show me a baby shark and a rather large angelfish which seemed to have a love affair with the rope hanging from our boat.

if you are expecting a night life, you will be sorely disappointed as there is none. if you want that, then please stay on Pasir Panjang. if you are there to just chill and relax, then this is the place to be. i indeed found many quiet moments to mull over my own thoughts. it is so quiet that the owner, A.B Lee, told us that a turtle nested on their beach last year.

in the afternoons, baby sharks would swim right up to the beach in front of the resort waiting for their snacks as the staff fed them with fresh fish. i shall put up the video later, so stay tuned to this blog.

needless to say, i am in love with redang kalong resort and its beach. now that i have stayed here, i do not think i will ever return to stay on pasir panjang.