the pain of a betrayal

at a time like this, i cant help but wonder what went wrong. it is true when they say that nothing in life is constant but change.

wherever life brings me, i will remind myself to hold on to this lesson that i should have learnt long ago. to not let myself in so deep that i cant help but feel every inch and morsel of the pain that a betrayal brings. should have known that it was too good to be true. that this friendship, relationship cannot last forever


there is nothing that feels worst than a betrayal. whether it is a partner, friend, parents or your leaders. there is nothing that justifies what you did and i hope all heaven will pay you dearly for it.

to say that i do not hurt would not be true. there is a part of me which seeks an answer to the cause. and yet my gut says that there is no point in explaining.

its not like i havent been here before?!. and yet i hurt. now i can only lament to myself how i have let myself go and fall so deeply. i should look at my scars daily to remind myself that nothing, absolutely nothing so good can last beyond the superficial. when you do not open your heart, you do not get hurt. that is a fact. it might not be a solution but at least it shields me from the pain somewhat.

with just one action, the thousands of words spoken is so quickly undone.

a rope with three cords is not easily broken. but the fact remains that it will surely break if you run a sharp knife through it. i am sure whoever thought of this proverb knew the pain of betrayal.

i can never bring myself to be the betrayer, because deep down, i am just a big ol' softie for all the toughness that i show on the outside.

right now at 3.50PM, somewhere in the universe, i am not ready to forgive and forget. i only want to forget this ever happened and curl up in a corner and lick my battle wounds. therefore, i will not write a conclusion of hope and renewed strength. 

right now, i feel tired and exhausted. i dont even have the strength to be angry anymore. so take your lies and reasons with you and i hope to never see you again.

the question after "so, when are you getting married?"

 photo credit

after attending yet another wedding, i find the one inevitable question people will ask is, "so when are you having a kid?". as if having a baby is easy as grocery shopping or just a matter of swallowing a pill and oops - out comes a baby! after talking to a friend who is married for a little more than a year ago, i found that this happens to her too. she even got recommendations to go to a fertility doctor when she didnt even ask for it! poor thing...

its like when people run out things to say, the topic of "when are you having a baby?" becomes their back-up question. most of them mean well i guess but after what seems like the millionth time i have to answer this question, i cant help but feel frustrated.

i feel like hanging a sign on my neck whenever i go out to explain my apparent 'babyless' state. it would probably say " i am only 27 years old for goodness sake!...and very fertile too! " it is not so much the asking that bugs me but the pity that often accompanies their voice when i say no, we are not pregnant. and if there is one thing that i hate most is to have people pity me.

when that happens, i feel like just giving it back to them there and then but i manage to keep it in. though i am not sure how long more that will be. i might just snap the next time a well meaning pity comes my way. after being married for three years and 'still' not pregnant, people start to assume that i am barren. 

i cannot for the life of me think of any reason for their apparent 'concern'. one person even said "ohhh, you should come to my church la, my pastor pray for so many barren couples and they all get pregnant wan!" *&^%$((&&^%*\ 

i probably should'nt say this, but the people in church are probably the worst offenders.

for the gazillionth time, i am not pregnant does not mean that i am barren! we are just not really trying yet since hubby and i are still young!

 so, whether well meaning or not, please try to put some thought into what you say to avoid getting a foot in your mouth.